Are you truly honest with yourself? Being truly honest with yourself forces you to do the work to fix it. Maybe it’s time you take responsibility for your actions and stop moving without a course. In today’s episode, we discuss what it means to be truly happy, to be honest with yourself, and to have an intimate relationship that mirrors friendship. Imagine stopping and smelling flowers for the first time in your life and thinking how magical it is. Our guest Kevin had the exact experience, and it made him truly happy like never before. He stopped faking it and moving off of his thoughts. Now his soul is wonderful and at peace because he’s no longer afraid of himself. He’s eager to learn this thing called life and explore. He doesn’t mind failing, learning from it, experiencing new things, and connecting with other people’s hearts. Listen in to learn more about the journey of life and what we must do to start living without fear. Host: Sydney Noble (@sydneysnoble) Guest: Kevin "Jackson II" Jackson (@jacksonslyric) Topic: Stopping To Smell The Flowers Intro Music Produced By: Joel the Unicorn
Topics Covered:
Sydney: Are You Ready?
Kevin: I'm Ready?
Sydney: Are you sure?
Kevin: Yeah
Sydney: I'm not, I'm not ready at all, whatever happens.
Kevin: In life, you're probably never really ready for anything in life.
Sydney: Absolutely. All right. Well, this is How's your soul? Where the only rule is you can't say, I'm good. And today we have my good friend Kevin.
Kevin: Hello.
[Inaudible 0:41]
Sydney: Nobody can see you. Come on. What's new? What you got out? You got a new track?
Kevin: Hello B three Yeah, I got two new tracks. Well, by the time you hear this, three. I have three new tracks I'm dropping tomorrow my birthday.
Sydney: Happy birthday.
Kevin: Thank you, I got a track called Rolled Up that's out, I got a track called Crazy that's out. And then Thirty On three. That's the one that comes out tomorrow.
Sydney: So how are you?
Kevin: I know, we're not supposed to say I'm good. I'm just so programmed to say that. But like, I'm not bad. I actually had an interesting realization the other day. So I was listening to some sad love songs by Drake, by Luther just a variety of sad love songs. I was like, this is the first time I can't relate. Like, I was like, I can't relate. And it was it was crazy. I was like, I've never like, I never been like I always go to I'll just stick with Drake since he was like the most current. I know the audience
Sydney: Say what you want to say
Kevin: Well, I'm just saying like his music. I know a lot of us go to the track off tops, you know what I'm saying? Like, when we feel sad like, I always did that. And so but this time, I was like, oh, like, let me just listen to some Drake or whatever. Because I was trying to listen to conscious music. And I was like, I can't relate to none of this. I'm just enjoying it. Just to enjoy it. You know? So that was a crazy realization that I've had recently. So I guess I'm doing great in the love department. Outside of the love department. I've recently walked into happiness recently.
Sydney: Okay, what did that look like for you?
Kevin: So, I'll tell you one of the things I know people are going to laugh. But I smelled flowers for the first time. When I walked into it, I never smelled flowers before. And walking with my, lovely lady. We were just taking a walk. And I was like, I was like, something smells good. And I looked back when we walk past and there was some flowers. So I was just like, whoa, and I went over there. And I was smelling these flowers. And I was like, I've never smelled flowers before. And instead of her like clowning me, like most people probably would, like what do you mean, you never smelt flowers? She was telling me to do this hand motion. That was like it'll make it come more. So I did and I was just like, Oh my god. So the rest of our walk. I was just like going to every flower. And I was just like, I've never smelled flowers in my life. And then that's when she asked like, Well, what was your perspective, like, on life? And I was like, it sucked. And she was like, That's why.
Sydney: It's crazy. Because like, God reveals to you different things at different levels of your life. It's something as so simple as the smell of flowers, you weren't in a space to truly appreciate the magnitude of God's creation and really appreciate even something so small as the beautiful smell of a flower. And once your mindset shifted, and you were in a life space, of appreciation, abundance, joy, happiness, you can now broaden your your visual scope and see the world. And like, really, notice, the tiniest things.
Kevin: It was like taking the veil off.
Sydney: Absolutely.
Kevin: You know, I'm saying like, and I was just like, this is crazy. I never liked sunsets, or none of that stuff. Like I used to just be like, Well, I didn't have a crazy theory about sunsets. Like, I will see people were so eager. A lot of people everybody I came into contact with this isn't even like just singled out to anybody that enjoyed sunsets, they would be so eager for the sunset, right? But they had such a positive outlook on life and all this and I was like, but why don't you like to see the sunrise? Like, you like to go and watch the sun just before he like turns dark in the world? Are you really like as happy as you say? Like, why is there only beauty in the sunset? But it's not? Nobody talks about the sunrise? That's right. I was I was related to death. I was like, usually when people die,
Sydney: You get flowers when you die.
Kevin: Yeah. And on your obituary, it says Sunrise was the day you were born at sunset is the day that you die. So I was just like, Isn't this like really a sad thing? And I was like, you just thinking about too much. I was like, Alright, whatever.
Sydney: But still, like, there's like, that's real, though. I mean, even if you want to come at it from like, the obvious perspective, I find it interesting, just visually how when the sun rises, the sky doesn't turn the same colors as when the sunsets if you notice, like, the sunrises are absolutely gorgeous. But you don't get those pinks, and oranges and purples that you do in the sunsets. And from a science perspective. I'm like, why is that? Because the same motion is happening this on two different? I don't know, whatever. I want to look it up. But yeah, so what did life look like for you? Before you found I guess happiness and happiness within yourself in order to be happy with somebody else? And what does that journey look like for you to get there?
Kevin: I was fake as hell.
Sydney: Okay, in what way?
Kevin: Like, I was like a robot. Robots aren't real. I only moved off of thought. And if you only move through life off of thought it's miserable, in my opinion, like so, for instance, as it relates to like, love life. So if loving somebody or liking somebody, these are feelings. So if these two things are feelings, then why do you apply thought to them? Like, it doesn't make sense. And I only applied thought, to my love life. As well as just everything like, hey, this girl and I look good on paper together. We should be together. You know, like, and she looked good, she think I look good. That's all we need. So I was just doing things based off of thought. And I was moving like a robot. And I did have feelings for girls. But it just wasn't right. Like, you know, I'm saying like, it was nothing like it had nothing to do with them. You know, like, I just looked at myself like, you weren't moving the way that you should move you wasn't moving based off of a feeling. So I can't speak for them if they were moving off of a feeling. But I just know personally I was moving off of thought. And then I was like, I do love you. But it was like it wasn't like it was love in the like surface terms. It wasn't love in the sense of like, what my name means which is the mind, body and soul like, I wasn't caught up into that the way I should be. And that translated to like, I didn't listen to them. They didn't listen to me either. So we didn't even understand each other. We were just afraid of each other being with somebody else that we like, got, like, let's just hold on to this, right? That's how I feel about it. I'm not, I'm not gonna say that's how they felt.
Sydney: Is this a pattern that you saw throughout multiple people? And this isn't just one instance you're speaking in the face of the life that you were in? That's what it was for you?
Kevin: Yeah. like ever since my fiance and I had split. I was kind of just like, to me, when I split, I was just like, nothing else is going to work. Because this girl knew the darkest parts of me. And I asked her to marry me. She said, Yes. And now we're not together. So I was just like, this shit is fake, which was very ignorant, because my parents have been together my whole life. So I can't really say love is fake. But I've seen it. I've grown up with it. But I didn't deal with it when it happened initially. I was on tour. So I kind of like, just put it in my subconscious. I was like, Well, I'm on tour. And I'm just going to enjoy tour, you know, and I wasn't like smashing chicks on tour at all. But obviously, I'm just going to enjoy just being on tour, and I'm getting money. So that's, that's what I suppressed to it. And then after tour was over, and I had to sit there and think about shit. I just went down, like, I went down a rabbit hole of like, not even knowing myself. I was I was very selfish in a period of time to two girls. I was very selfish to the both of them. And be like, it sucks, because I was like, dang. Like, this is their impression of me. And this isn't really who I am but I was so far down. Like, caught up. And I was just like, I mean, I'm already here. I might as well. Like, it's too much to reveal myself it's too much to be vulnerable. So I would rather them just think I'm a piece of shit. And I'm just like, because it's easy. It's easy to be a piece of shit.
Sydney: Yeah. But so even though yes, that's true. But even though I feel like, you know, that that's not who you truly are. So even though you ran with it, and you just allowed them to see you that way. On the inside, did it like eat at your self image? Because you knew in your core? And what did that look like? What was the cause and effect of that? Oh, absolutely.
Kevin: I'll be honest, like, I did a lot of crying when they wouldn't be looking. Like, I was so disappointed in myself. Even now, I think about it sometimes. And I'm still disappointed in myself. You know, because I know that I played a huge part in the rockiness of the of the relationships. And these, these two girls are wonderful individuals, you know. And I used to do the blame game with them, because there were things that were done on their end that I didn't agree with either. But it was just like, oh, like, don't play the blame game? Well, it doesn't matter what they did, or what they didn't do. Like, you have to walk with what you did. You have to walk with the fact that you want to get your morals. And so they you know, like that has nothing to do with him. You going against your morals, it doesn't have anything to do with nobody else. It only has something to do with you. And believe it or not, that way of thinking helped me to walk into happiness. Like looking at myself, in my pupils, and peering into my soul. And being like, bro, like, you whack for what you did? You know what I'm saying? You're not a terrible person. I'm not going to like, because the devil will use moments like that to trick you out your position. You're not a terrible person. You're not a bad person. You just, you know, like, you had a bad moment. And, you know, I didn't even want to get into the narrative of like, but we all do. Because I'm not bringing nobody else, I'm saying bro. Like, come on, bro. And I pride myself on being one of the guys out here that girls don't have like, it's not a lot of girls that can walk around with bad stories about me. But because I'm just
Sydney: And I respect that about you.
Kevin: Like, I'll be out here trying to smash every girl, knocked anybody that does it, but I'm just saying personally like, I like to, I took pride in that. And then I'm like, dang, I just ruined that. You know, I'm saying like, but it helped me, you know what I'm saying to like, start to walk in, in like, just the right direction. Because love is a big part of; Love is life I can't even just say it's a big part of life like it is life. And so like, if you're not right with that, you know, like a lot of people like, No, I'm good by myself. And no, you're not like we were made. Like, we were literally made our bodies are made to like, be attached.
Sydney: Absolutely. And I feel like people who say that they use it as a coping mechanism, or they use it to cover up the inner work that they're too afraid or too lazy to do within themselves. Honestly, now, saying you're good by yourself. That doesn't necessarily mean that the opposite of that is that, Oh, you got to be married with kids and family. But we are the human species. It's all about connections. It's all about bonds. So your nobody is good by themselves. You will drive yourself crazy.
Kevin: You do, you need some type of companionship, even if it's not like a relationship, an intimate relationship like you need. That's why I say like, because sometimes I'm people confused, like, why do you need to take time to myself? It's like, yes. But you can't, you can't like isolate and then walk around with a narrative of like, I'm good by myself, because I have money, I pay my own bills, I do this. And it's just like so what.
Sydney: Right. And the thing that blows my mind is that all those different things have nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with the inside, they aren't even you their actions that you're doing. They're physical, tangible, inanimate objects.
Kevin: It's like you're just good at being an adult
Sydney: You're good at being responsible, you're good at doing the things that you should be doing anyway to survive. But how are you like, what are you working through? And that's why I thank you for like developing this. This is all because of you. To a degree. But yeah, like, that is the whole premise of this. It's for people to get honest, not even necessarily with me, but with themselves. And I find a lot of people like you saying we automatically go into, I'm good. And even if we are good. There's so many other different words to say besides good. And we're not always good. So even if like you say, oh, yeah, I'm in a great space. You weren't always there. And this is for people who may not be there to hear how people got there, what that journey looks like, because some people they're like, oh, I don't want to feel like this anymore. But I don't know what to do to get out of it. I don't know, whatever. But I feel like it starts with digging into the triggers and into the roots of why you feel that way. Because a lot of times I believe an emotion from a current situation isn't even about that current situation.
Kevin: You know, something, and this this could probably be some people might be like, he sounds stupid. But this something that worked for me. You know, when people are like you know how there's a negative stigma on you're childish. I had to get childish in the sense of when you're a child, that's when you're, your purest form. Yeah. You're not like there's nothing that has like influenced you yet. You're nice to everybody. You love to go outside and be in nature. Have an imagination, you believe you can be anything
Sydney: You're not afraid to fail?
Kevin: Yeah.
Sydney: That's the biggest thing for me.
Kevin: It's crazy because people like if somebody calls you childish you get offended, but it's like it like is that really bad? That's that's when your your purest form. Yeah. So I believe when you wake up, that's when you're Your peers to when you wake up and don't get on no social media, or turn on TV. even pick up a book when you just get up.
Sydney: No music, no nothing.
Kevin: That's when you're closest to yourself because nothing has influenced you today. So thinking that behind, like, what do I want to do today? So I'll wake up, like, what do I want to do today? I want to go play basketball, I want to go see a movie, I would I started doing all these things by myself that I lost, once I got in relationships, because when you get into relationships, you kind of I don't think it has to be like, it's not learning. It doesn't have to be like this. Now that I'm in a relationship right now, but you tend to like, lose a part of yourself, because you're trying to, like, learn how to be with someone. And I'm like, my girl and I talked about this all the time, like people always talk about quality time. But nobody knows the difference between quantity and quality time. People talk about quality over quantity all the time, but they don't apply it.
[Inaudible 21:17]
Sydney: It's not the amount of time you spend.
Kevin: If we spent all this time together. That means like, it was like no.
Sydney: I'd rather spend five minutes intentional, with my significant other than five hours wasted just being around my significant other. Because the five minutes is going to be way more impactful.
Kevin: Exactly. We sitting here for five hours while we both on our phones. While we're just like we're not even like interacting. We're not having a conversation in the that. I used to always feel this way growing up. Like when I would have girlfriends in middle school. And they want to like, talk to me on the phone every day. I used to be like, Why do we got to talk every day, like I just saw you at school. We're not old enough to have lives like that.
Sydney: There's so much we can talk about.
Kevin: I went outside and hooped after I left practice, but you already know that like and I just saw you at school for seven or eight hours. And my mom used to be like, so weird that you think like that already. And I used to be like, why do we got to fall asleep on the phone right now I'm about to see you in a few hours. Like you really mad at me.
Sydney: Like you don't I'm about to see you 8am Tomorrow,
Kevin: Or it's like we have to hold hands to every class. I don't want to be late trying to walk you. It's like if like, just let it make sense. I want this for my parents to like, my mom. If she's walking ahead of my dad, and she opens a door, she'll hold it open for him. And she's like, it's not that big of a deal. Like she always like it's not that big of a deal. Make it make sense. Yeah. If he's,
Sydney: I don't expect him to run from half a block away.
Kevin: You know, she doesn't just get out the car and be like, you can get all groceries because you're the man. She like if he not home if he's out working and making money. I'm going to take the trash out. Or I'm going to tell one of my sons, you know, she's always like, son just just make it make sense. Like, because she's like, if somebody's the man and it's, great when the man opens the door and things like that. You know, that's a good thing. But yeah. She's always like, my parents are very why driven. Like, why are you doing that? You know, don't do it because that's what people say you're supposed to do. Why are you doing it? Do you feel like doing it? And if you don't feel like doing it tell your partner I don't really feel like doing it.
Sydney: Yeah, because I feel like when you know why you're doing what you're doing, what you're doing makes sense. And then you're like appreciative and you're looking forward to doing what you're doing. Because there's a reason there's a motive. There's a why. You know what I mean? Like there's some support behind your action.
Kevin: Exactly. So I hear guys like I don't feel like opening your door. It's like okay, cool. And then we are gone. I don't feel like cooking for you, it's like oh okay.
Sydney: And that takes that takes like this weight over what relationship roles are supposed to look like and what a man and females role is supposed to look like in 24/7 like life is in a gray area. A lot of things aren't just black and white. Some things are very black and white, but everything isn't black and white and I feel when people are stuck to that black and white side. They're easily disappointed because people are human. You know, we live in a gray area. And so now you're mad at your partner, because you had an expectation for your partner, it's not even your partners', it's your expectations.
Kevin: You have to. I'm not going to say you have to because everybody should have relationships the way that they have
Sydney: You should consider.
Kevin: Yeah, you should consider your relationship with your partner should be the same as minus the intimacy, it should be the same as the relationship you have with your best friends. My girl and I, absolutely our relationship is the same type of relationship I have with fresh ball, John, Johnny, or Will or Wyatt or Cooley. It's the same thing. Only difference is, is that she looks better than all those ugly men.
Sydney: Facts. Shout out to your girlfriend.
Kevin: And we're intimate. But like, with her friends, like our relationship is the same. We're very honest with each other. I'm talking about like, the honesty to where it's like, damn.
Sydney: Right. And the beautiful thing about it is like, the whole phrase, like you're honest to where it can hurt. When you're really best friends with somebody even that raw honesty doesn't hurt because you know, the intention is pure.
Kevin: Oh my god, it's the pure.
Sydney: It's like thank you I look forward to that when I know the intention is pure. Tell me about myself. Honestly,
Kevin: That's crazy. Because she says that, she told me once like Kevin, like, I'm excited when we disagree, because she told me that my mind is beautiful. So she's like, wow, he doesn't agree with me. This is probably an opportunity for me to learn.
Sydney: Absolutely.
Kevin: I was like, dang, I feel the same way. Like, it's an opportunity for me to learn maybe something I'm missing. And we're not afraid to say, I don't know. But like, we will say like, Hey, I don't know, like, I'm this way, because this is how it's worked. But like I told her the other the other day we were talking about like God in the universe and things like that. And because she's really into just the universe aspect, and I'm into God. And we were just like, talking about our experiences. And I was like, honestly, the universe and God. It's beyond what I can comprehend. But what I will tell you, when I've called on God, these things have happened for me. So and that's what I feel connected to, like, I just feel it, you know? And you know, she says she's Oh, you know what, even though I don't really understand the concept of God. She was like, if that's what made you who you are. I think it's great. I got down to pray that night. And she was like, Can I pray with you? And I was just like, wow.
Sydney: Something really beautiful and magical happened. And this isn't even in just relationships, but just are intimate relationships, because every interaction is some sort of relationship. But something beautiful and magical happens when two people who are on this personal growth journey for themselves, connect. Because there's never like for me, I'm not the type of person to argue. I can't do it. No, I mean, I have but I'm in a place where it's like, nothing gets resolved in an argument. Nothing gets resolved. Like I'm the person where you have a right to feel the way you feel. I have a right to feel the way I feel. Let's calm down reconvene you go in this room, I'm going to go in this room, we'll meet in the living room, once we're calm and we're going to talk about this because I'm in a place of self growth but in my self growth, that means that I have to be open to learn from others. So maybe what made me mad I mean, I have a right to be mad, but I'm not going to hear you is where are you know, I mean, and if you're with somebody who's in that same mindset, the amount of growth that you'll have even just within yourself, let alone you guys together. Like it's beautiful. Yeah, it's beautiful. And you really realize all the different shades of grays in between black and white. Because the crazy thing that I always think about is like, what's really truth and what's not? When it comes to two different people and their outlooks on life, because I feel like they're both true. They're both facts, you know? Hey, Marley.
Kevin: She agree with you.
Sydney: Absolutely. Hey, girl, what do you got to say? Marley, my little alarm? You'll calm down. Because if I start talking again, you got to stop. But yeah, so it's, I feel like, yeah, like, two different sides or two different outlooks. There's no such thing as one being wrong and one being right, unless there's like factually based things. But when it comes to opinions, like they're both two truths. And you like people have an opportunity to expand their truth when they listen to somebody else's
Kevin: Factorials
Sydney: You know, like, for example, and this blows my mind. And I learned this from my little nephew, it was crazy, because I'm from Michigan. And I was on FaceTime with my mom, and my nephew was there. And it was 3pm here, which means it was 6pm there. At this time of the year, it's dark there. It's still light here. My nephew didn't understand the concept of why is it light outside? Like, he's literally going to the window back and forth and fall into the windows like, this don't match. I don't see the sun. And in his eyes, it's like it's night. It's nighttime, it's supposed to be nighttime. What you have, like, what I don't know what's happening, but it's night. And I'm like, well, it's day. And neither one of us are wrong.
Kevin: Wow, that's crazy. Crazy way to look at things.
Sydney: You know what I mean? And if we can, like, take the time to lower our ego, lower our guard, and not just want to prove things all the time and just shut up and open our ears. And not even with the intent of proving right or wrong just to listen and understand. There's so many times and instances where we can realize like, we're both right. And then, like my nephew, he can understand the way the sun and the world works. And then we can understand the way life works and how to relate.
Kevin: That's a good like, that's a good way to look at arguments, like with your nephew. Like, you're both right. You know, you're seeing totally different things. But you're both right.
Sydney: And then, and something I read this somewhere. I think it was like Instagram, which is crazy. Because whatever. It was on Instagram, and it was this quote that said I was talking to my grandma. And she said, when you and your significant argue it's not you against you. It's both of you against the problem. And I think that in those instances it's this like it's both y'all are right now it's a matter of finding common ground. Somewhere in that gray area. Because you might be black, she might be white. Let's find the gray some shade of gray. But you know what I mean, so last question, I guess from your past situations, onto this new situation for you internally. What was your process of forgiving yourself for any wrong that you have done in your past to prepare yourself for what you have now?
Kevin: Honesty to myself in the sense of, I didn't believe in that guy who was manipulating these girls minds. I didn't believe him anymore. He wasn't cool to me. You know, he was lame you know, and I was just like, I don't believe I don't believe he Well, I don't believe nothing that comes out of your mouth anymore. I don't believe that this is cool. I don't believe that since somebody hurt you, then you get to hurt somebody. You know. And I was like, I prepared for my karma. Like, you know, I'm saying, Yeah, because it's not even going to seem bad, because I already know that you that you don't come around. And being honest with myself and that way, because people don't like, it's crazy that people don't like to be honest, what they saw. Like, it seems like it's easy to do. Like, it should be easy to tell yourself. But it's nice, you know, people hate to like, look at themselves.
Sydney: Because I feel like once you're honest with yourself, you're forced to do the work to fix it.
Kevin: Yeah, when you don't have nobody to blame but you. It's like, dang. And I stopped blaming them. And I like, I was like, I'm going to let this go, man. Like, let me let go of what I feel they did wrong to me. Because I did wrong too. So in my mind the way I am if we both did wrong, neither one of us have love. Like, we can't be in here arguing but yours was more wrong I'm saying, if I shoot you, but you didn't die. And then somebody else shot you. And that person did die. We both going to jail. You can't be like oh, well, your person didn't die yours isn't, no. You're both going to say like, if I stabbed somebody, and you stole we're both going to jail. So I'm like, sorry, I'm not about to argue about who was more wrong. You know, say like, right? We both were wrong. So in my mind, it cancels out. It's like, you know, I tell my homies that to like, if they get mad about a girl going, smash another dude. Like, that's messed up, I'm like bro but you know, I'm saying like, you were smashing chicks bro, like, come on. And I can't say, I know, it's easy to be like, you know, because guys, we love to go on Drake. We love to get on our Drake shit and be sad and women hurt me like we love it to me. Because I did it. I did that shit. I used it to my advantage because women, they nurture you. So if they see you like, oh my god, somebody hurt you before. They're going to be you know, and then we take advantage. I took advantage of that, you know? And so coming out of those situations. I was just like, like, I was very honest with myself.
Sydney: Hey, girl. She agrees.
Kevin: It's crazy how good they're hearing you.
Sydney: Yeah, it's ridiculous. I hear it too Marley, hey.
Kevin: I wonder what they're saying.
Sydney: Yeah. I always wonder like, what their voice would sound like if they could audibly talk.
Kevin: Yeah, they're just saying hello probably.
Sydney: She more so like, who the fuck it that? Oh, okay. But yes. Hey, Marley, relax, Mama. You don't have to be in protection mode. Okay, so you're saying you have to be honest with yourself.
Kevin: So, after I became honest with myself. I realized this was a second step. I realized I had a fear of being alone. And I thought I didn't have a fear of being alone. Because I'm so like, I go to parties. When I do go to one, and I like be in the corner. So I was like, I like being alone safe. And I was like, brah that's like, that's not being alone. Because I always had to have a girl that I was entertaining even if I didn't have sex with her or wasn't kicking them every day. I haven't on a text. Just it was just Like something to do. So I completely was like, Yo, I'm about to be good off of this, you know. And I remember when I said that I went to the mall on Tuesday at 10 in the morning, and I was just out there by myself, because I'm weird. I just do like stuff like, I'm just at the mall on a Tuesday. It's nothing but old people walking around the mall, and exercising. And this, this beautiful, light skin, gold, curly hair, green eyed girl walks up to me and introduces herself. And I was like, no, I don't think I'm a bad looking guy. But I'm like you're not about to walk up to me, I'm like, I'm not nobody that you know, off of TV. So there's no reason for you to be introducing yourself. And I told this girl, I said I would waste your time. That was my response. I didn't even tell her my name. I shook her hand and said I would waste your time. She looked at me and smiled, and walked away. And I didn't see this girl anymore. So to this day, I believe that that wasn't a real person. I believe that was a test from God. Real quick. Send the angel. Go and test him. And when I did that, I was like, wow, I'm really not that guy who waste girls time.
Sydney: Because it's crazy. Because God does that when you the root word of decision means to murder the alternative. So when you truly decide something, the universe is going to test your words. It's going to see if you were really serious about what you said. And I find that I find that mostly, especially like when it comes to like relationships. Like, the minute like you say, oh, yeah, I'm good for this person. Like, I'm not going back, like, whatever. God don't bring that person back. And be like, you sure. And it's not to be like, Oh my god, this is my second chance is to test your word.
Kevin: Exactly.
Sydney: And people don't realize that.
Kevin: I didn't realize it for a minute. But when I did, it brought me into the most organic relationship, intimate relationship I've ever had. Like the same way I organically got cool with all those guys I just named. That's how my love life formed with my lady. That's exactly how I formed and I was just like, and she too had never been in a situation that organic. It was just like, whoa, we weren't looking for each other. It just happened. Even the first time I met her. Like, it was at that same mall that that fake person was safe to test me but it was at that same mall I was just like, wow. Like, this experience, you know, is the most organic thing I've ever had. And we connect it through. We connected through my music and her creativity in putting together events. So it was just like, wow, you know, yeah.
Sydney: So okay, last thing. If you don't want to touch on it, that's fine letters. Your reasoning for doing that writing and sending those letters? If you don't want to touch that you don't have to.
Kevin: Writing and sending those letters?
Sydney: If you don't want to touch on it, you don't have to.
Kevin: No, I'm trying to think, oh about when I apologized.
Sydney: Yeah and the role that that played into your journey in getting to this point.
Kevin: Yeah, so another thing I did. Do you see how things like still trying to hide from me. It's nothing to hide from, I'm happy I did this. I like went and found as many girls as I could, that I did wrong. I'm talking about even from the time I was sixteen and all this like I was lurking on instagram. You know, people don't even be using a real name right? Alright, it was a task in itself to do that, and I apologized for my actions, I apologize for my ignorance towards to all these girls. And the reaction I got was like some of them I could just tell they had been holding on to that hurt from me. And I know it snowballed into other relationships that they got in after me, most likely, but it was such a relief in their voice. You know, like, oh my god, there was some girls I was like, whatever. Like, I like your new music, that type of stuff. But it was a lot of the girls were like, Oh, my God, thank you. You're such a man for that. You're so special for that. Like, you didn't even have to tell me that. And I was like, I felt like I did owe you that, because I was very ignorant towards women. And the reason I had no excuse, I don't believe that my age should be an excuse for doing it all wrong, because I literally had a father that I saw treating his daughters and my mom with the utmost respect. And I still chose to live like these rappers in the music videos, you know? Like, it's like, oh, you you have? You have what you need right here, bro. Like, are you like looking at TV? Like look at your dad. Right? It's not women are not objects. So like, that was like, oh, my God, like,
Sydney: You had no excuse. You had an example?
Kevin: Exactly. I had an example. And I believe honestly, I believe we all have examples, even if your father leaves, but it's like, Oh, your mother leaves or whatever. It's like, we go and search for the bad because we're upset. So forget him, he'll get around other people whose dad was in their life, that hate life,
Sydney: Rather than breaking the chain and saying, Okay, this is what happened. This is what I grew up around. This is what I know. Let me do the work. So I don't repeat the cycle.
Kevin: And then LeBron, I was watching LeBron, and he said, he used to be very mad at his dad. But then he took a step back and was like, damn, what was he going through? But, like, what was he going through when they had me at 16? Because all these dudes would be walking around talking about my dad wasn't shit they turn around do the same shit.
Sydney: And then try to validate it then when it's them.
Kevin: Because my dad wasn't there. What if his dad wasn't there? You tell that guy next to you. So you know. Right? Like, God will still put people in your life. To show you the ways, but we we choose to? You know, because it's cool. It's cool at a young age to be this rebel. You know, a rebel without a cause that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Rebel Without a Cause it's like you don't even know why you're doing the shit you're doing like. That sounds so retarded to me. I have people. Well, it technically it's like, yeah, it's stupid. Yeah. Why are you moving through life without a cause? You sound retarted, you want me to join your movement?
Sydney: What movement? What are we moving towards?
Kevin: That's a dumb saying, you know how you'd be talking and you just realize, like, I just realized Rebel Without a Cause is retarded. Like it's not it's not even nothing I've ever thought about in the past until right now. That's the dummiest shit. That's crazy. Well, yeah, like, so. But yeah, like, apologizing to those women. Even even apologizing to my mom and dad for like, going out and being something that they didn't. I was a bad representation of them. And they're very understanding because they like was saying like, It's your life. My dad is like, son, this is your life. Like, I don't own you. Like I don't
Sydney: I produced you but I don't own you.
Kevin: I don't own you. God knew you before you were in your mother's womb. So you were already something before I was even on this earth.
Sydney: Before I even knew you.
Kevin: I don't own you son. Like, I'm here to show you. And if you want to follow that cool, and when you get out of line. I'm here to beat your ass and then put you back. But he was like I'm not leaving nothing for you. Yeah. You know, my mom was kind of like Being a mom. My dad is very like, he's, I really appreciate him. But he's very just like, cut and dry. Like go experience it, you know? Yeah, I remember I came home too late. And I've called him and let me he was like, no, like, you're going to live outside tonight?
Sydney: Yeah. You knew what time the door was closing.
Kevin: Go figure it out. And you better not tell your mom. I was just like dang, my mama asked, I was like, I just didn't want to come home and then I gotta deal with whatever. Yeah, you know, you got to be a man, like, you stayed out. And now own up to all of it, don't put it off on me. Because you can't put it off on somebody else if you get pulled over by the cops, and he was doing something wrong. You know, ignorance of the law is no excuse. The law in this house was be here at this time. And the reason you had to be here at this time is because you lost your key and I got to work in the morning. I'm not waking up for your fun. Like, I'm not waking up for your fun, I gotta go to work. So you can have a roof over your head and food in your belly. That's my focus, not waking up to let you in. So he told me to figure it out he opened the door and told me to figure it out. So I'm just in the car and cold. I was just like dang.
Sydney: Can you speak on and I said that was the last thing but I feel like that segues into, Can you speak on your thoughts of the value and importance of a female now that you've like walked into like this new
Kevin: Women? No cliche. None of this is cliche talk. Women are literally the greatest gift that this world has. Like. And I've just heard this saying, I don't know how old this thing is, but I just heard it not too long ago. But when they talk about if you buy a woman a house, she'll give you a home. If you give a woman groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give a woman a seed she will literally give you a human being. Like it's just like, and no not to my fellas because I know we I know. I know a lot of times like all the billboards and most things are like to uplift women like men we're important too, but the fact that women can nurture things. There's a reason why it's called Mother Nature you know, and not father nature. We just got Father Time, but the importance of a woman like to all my niggas out there and listening the importance of a woman bro like I just I just look I just look at women and not in no seductive way or any of that but I just look at women everywhere I go now like Damn. Like it's it's hard for me to even like explain it. Like the beauty of it. Just the aura or the essence of a woman like you having a bad day right? And you just like as a man you just having a bad day you just fucking hate life. A woman can come in touch your shoulder and you like oh, are you good? Yeah, it's just like yo, what? Like fresh came and touched my shoulder I'd be like get off of me. I love you but get off me and you know vice versa, but when a woman like I'm going to be honest and dudes can laugh all they want. When I'm laying down in the bed, sometimes I like to be held. So I turn over.
Sydney: A lot of guys do
Kevin: Yeah, I like to be held.
Sydney: Let me tell you something. I was dating this guy. And if we went to sleep, he could not sleep. If his leg was not in between mine too and he would get mad if I'd be like, yo, it's hot, get off of me. He's like no I need to go to sleep.
Kevin: And I'm on the reverse I have to have, I have to have somebody's leg in between mine.
Sydney: Like, yeah, it's like a physical touch.
Kevin: But yeah, like sometimes I tell my lady like, like, oh, yeah, turn over. She, uh, you know, granted, she's tall too. So it's cool. I like to be held by a woman. And I'm just like, Oh, like this feels good. Like a woman, a woman is a healer. There's men that are healers, too. I believe I'm a healer, but not in the full sense of the word. The fact that they literally can form a human being inside of themselves, while not even thinking about it. Like, not even thinking about it. They just do it back hurting. You know, but they still maneuver. They still taking their kids to daycare. They still are involved in their friends activities. They're still making it.
Sydney: Yeah. They still have to go to work. And then sorry, tangent. Once the baby is born, American is so fucked up for this, but once the baby's born, they got to go right back to work. Their body is still healing.
Kevin: That's crazy.
Sydney: To think, you dilate only ten centimeters. Before baby comes out. A baby's head. It's way bigger than ten centimeters.
Kevin: Yeah
Sydney: The physical trauma like women, bones can break, we can break our pelvic bone you can die giving life
Kevin: But most of the time they don't even die giving life. That's crazy.
Sydney: And all men do is deposit and go on with their lives.
Kevin: I made one of my homegirls my. I was just joking. But she got really mad. I was like, Yo, my bad. Because it was supposed to be funny where they was they was talking about like how we have to carry when we got to carry a baby for nine months notice. And I was I stopped complaining my nigga. I said, mean carry kids in our nut sack. I was like, Yo, all the dudes is laughing Of course. She's like, you're more intelligent. I'm like can I just joke? I know is not to say I was just making a funny joke, I guess. Oh, like I know, I'm not going to say I understand because I can never understand being pregnant. But I assume it's very tough. My mom, one time when my sister was pregnant. It was terrible for her. Like she threw up every ten seconds. I hated riding in the car because we always had to stop. She's outside the car throwing up shots. I love you to death. But she's in the car. I mean, she gets out the car thrown up. Mom, mom looks at me. It was like, I can't stand y'all, man. I have to go. Like, I didn't get her pregnant. Like, I'm a bystander. My mom was so mad at me. Because I was the only man around, the only male there. You know that she could take it out on. I was just like oh my god. This is crazy. But yeah, man, women are to be valued. And not just like not just the physical about like what they can do in the bedroom. Although that is phenomenal as well. But not just you know, not just like, damn, like, she looked good. She got two fat big titties. She shaped like, Bro. Like, if you're going to look at a woman's body, look at it and all of like, damn. She could produce a human. Like she can produce life. Yeah, that's crazy. I go up to women with all due respect. Not all the time. But sometimes I go to a woman. And I say, Hey, I'm not trying to hit on you, I promise. But I just wanted to tell you, you're beautiful. Or I just want to tell you, I appreciate you. And I'll walk away. Like, my energy has become so pure that they know a woman knows so they're like, he's not Oh, no, like, and they're like, Wow, thank you. And they'll engage like, oh my god, like, thank you so much. You know, and sometimes they say I appreciate you as a man. As like, oh, you know?
Sydney: Hey, cool, but it's not even about what happens after you put that out
Kevin: Yes, it's just good feelings, man, like come on, bro. I was like, let's not just pretend and say when this could be like let's be as appreciate when nobody's going to know that we appreciate, who are you when the lights turn off?
Sydney: So who are you? How's yourself?
Kevin: Well I am someone eager to learn this thing to explore I don't mind failing; you know what I will say failing, failing doesn't have to be what the world makes you think it is. It's a learning experience so I don't mind failing and learning from it and just like experiencing you know because aside from Kevin and all the people that I'm discovering Kevin Dorney Jackson beautiful just somebody eager to learn, eager to connect, I'm still eager to connect to just pure energy and learn people's mental light and learn their heart.
Sydney: And how's your soul?
Kevin: My soul there's one peace because I'm not afraid of myself what Kendrick said, whether I'm losing or I'm living that's where I'm at, give me all the praise and all the whatever I'm at peace with it and I'm not afraid of it. So my soul is at peace.
Sydney: Thank you for coming all this way and doing this with me. Marley said thank you too. I think I'm going to keep her voice in there. Might as well keep it authentic Oh yeah, she already got an Instagram.
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