How do you learn to truly love yourself when your perspective of true love is distorted? Self-love means walking away from the person you were and walking into someone that truly loves and accepts themselves. Loving yourself shows up in many ways, like self-esteem, self-acceptance, self-awareness, and self-compassion. In today’s episode of How’s Your Soul podcast, we discuss self-love and what it looks like to walk that journey. Genuinely loving yourself is loving others; it’s showing up for them; it’s becoming conscious of spaces like never before. Our guest Bobbie Riley knows all too well what it means to walk the hard and uncomfortable journey of self-love. She shares how love looked like for her as a child, how things turned toxic and she got lost, and the journey to finding true self-love. Her breakthrough has been the ability to get through that tough part of her life and develop discipline, focus, and organization. Bobbie’s soul is embarking on a different territory and feels like a new butterfly out of the cocoon; she’s learning this new world. Listen in to learn why you should listen to her soul over logic and more on self-love, healing, and protecting your mental health. Host: Sydney Noble (@sydneysnoble) Guest: Bobbie Riley (@bobbierileybeauty) Topic: Journey to Self Love Intro Music Produced By: Joel the Unicorn
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[00:04] Sydney: Welcome back to episode three of How is Your Soul Podcast, and today we're joined by Bobby Riley. Say Hi.
[00:12] Bobbie: Hi.
[00:15] Sydney: And we're talking all about her journey to self-love, what that looks like, what that means. Right now we're in a very much so like, I don't know, like buzzword type of society where everybody's like self love, self care, healing, and I'm an impasse, and this is that. And the third, like, we're very much so in that era right now, which is great because it's starting conversations. And I really want to talk to my friend Bobby, because I've witnessed from outside looking in her journey in defining, redefining, and then redefining again what self-love looks like and coming into her own. So without further ado, Bobby, how are you?
[01:02] Bobbie: I am many things. I'm in transition. I'm in a transition, in a shift, and it's like I'm actually having a weird day in the shift inside of the shift. That's how I'm feeling.
[01:19] Sydney: Okay. What does that mean?
[01:22] Bobbie: Wait, how are you?
[01:24] Sydney: Oh, I'm doing better actually. I'm in a similar space. I feel like I'm constantly in transition, to be honest. Like the minute I feel like I'm getting my footing life again, and I feel like I'm swept off of my footing and it's like, okay, we're in a new space already, where I just felt like I got my bearings. So I feel like I'm constantly in transition, but I feel like it's making me stronger in a way that a lot of people don't get to experience because I'm throwing a lot of different battles that a lot of people don't have, so that actually is what kind of started this podcast actually. It's like my outlet, my therapy to talk to people and it makes me feel less alone, because I know for a fact. It's one thing to know in your head, it's another thing to know in your heart that I'm not the only one going through something. I'm not that special where I'm the only person on the face of the earth that's going through stuff. Yes, I'm special as an individual, but I'm not that special to where I'm the only person on the face of the earth going through something. So having these conversations is really my therapy and I found it's therapeutic for people that I'm talking to too.
[02:46] Bobbie: Well, I can't wait.
[02:49] Sydney: Yeah. So talk to me more about this transitioning space that you feel like you're in.
[02:55] Bobbie: Yeah. Okay. So I am ending my twenties soon. I'm 28. I'm turning 29. And I'm really excited to turn 30, by the way. I have no hesitation. I love the idea of aging. I love the idea of maturing and learning more and knowing that, you know, like absolutely nothing. But I think as I'm getting there, I'm realizing that the life that I imagined for myself is different than the life that I'm experiencing and maybe it's not something at that space I could articulate that I wanted, but there's a lot of elements to like my life now that I'm like, wow, I actually, if I could have said that, I would've wanted it. But now it's like the adjusting to that advancement. Because we went through together doing a lot of self-work.
[03:55] Doing a lot of personal growth work, reading, just doing a lot of personal growth. And I think when you're so buried in the types of spaces that we were in at the time, you don't really get to experience what that looks like to the outer world. You only see it through the eyes of the network that you created. So everyone's like that. So you're like, yeah, cool. Like this is nothing. And then you take it to the outside world and it's like you are an alien. Like your light year beyond. I can literally spend weeks in the bed and still be ahead mentally, and even just on my journey than people that are older than me. And some days it's really great, because when I'm in my career and I'm thriving and I'm in my passion, and then I have my side hustle and like, it's great.
[04:51] And everything's just moving. And I'm like, yes. And then I'm at home where I'm trying to have interpersonal relationships and realizing that I can't really relate to. And then there are a lot of things that I can relate to in my older friends and understand, but then I'm in this young body and it's all so much. It's accelerated, I'm continuing this self-growth. I'm continuing to read and to seek therapy and to take care of myself and to affirm myself and plan and organize. And I'm only getting more ahead, but I'm realizing, I'm kind of mourning, I guess like what I'm leaving behind. And that's what I wanted to connect with something that you said off camera was just like, I'm mourning the person that I was and realizing that I can't do a lot of the same things that person did because I'm not that person anymore.
[06:06] It's a completely different vessel for the same soul in a way. It's like you shredded this skin. And you're like, ugh, like, what's happening? Like, why can't I, and then you're like looking at the past. I find myself looking at pictures of me and being like, what? Like why can't I somehow go back to that spirit? Like that place, that body, that person and then having to learn how to activate my self-love, activate my self-worth, and understand and love who I am now so that she keeps continuing and I can look back and be like, yeah, that was a good time, but I like this time even better. Transition shift, feeling really weird.
[07:00] Sydney: I love that. So before we even dig deeper, what does self-love mean to you? Like, how would you define it? Because I think things like this are very much so self definitive. Like you have your general definitions, but self-love looks different to everybody. So for you on your personal journey, what does it mean?
[07:29] Bobbie: I can't take full credit for this because I had to sit down with my therapist and actually like, thread this out. Like, what does that mean to me to really love myself because when I first came to him, it was literally March of, it's been almost two years. And I was going through some things and I decided I'm going to go and get therapy. And actually it was a year ago. And he was like, well, what is self-love to you? Like, what does that mean? And I was like, honestly, I don't know. I was like I feel dumb to not have a definition because I thought I loved myself. And he is like, okay, well, do you have self-esteem? Do you feel like you have self-esteem? Do you know what that is? Like title that in one word. And then he said do you feel like you have self-acceptance?
[08:35] Okay, put that into one word. What does that look like for you? What does that mean? He said, do you feel like you're self-aware? And I was like, yeah, I'm self-aware. And he's like, okay, put that into one word. And he said all of these different elements. So I do feel like it's that. I do feel like it's having self-esteem, having self-worth, having self-acceptance, awareness and compassion, like for yourself. And that's basically the list that we went down. And I felt like. I think it took a lot of pressure off of it for me that it could be so simple because I know how to do that for other people, but I just didn't display it for myself. So I really wasn't that great at doing it for other people, but I was doing it, you know what I mean? I was doing it with a great, like grinding my teeth while I'm doing it, but I didn't really have that to give.
[09:25] And until I like really learned how to love myself, I don't think that I've ever been in love. There's so much that I am learning. I don't think that I ever, like before this moment, I don't think I ever loved other people deeply that I love or just everything. And learning how to do that for myself and expand that. I think that's what has been the reason that I've been so successful in my life as of lately, is like, I just love myself first. I love myself and genuinely when I love myself, I'm able to go out there and I'm able to love other people. I'm able to be there for other people. I'm able to show up, I'm able to be compassionate, I'm able to be aware of the spaces I'm in. Like, if you really don't love yourself, you're not able to exercise your abilities to the best of your ability or your character to the best of your ability. Because you'll always have that element that's like, you're always kind of hurting somebody because you're hurting yourself.
[10:29] You don't really love yourself. You're not able to speak to people gently. You're not able to read the room. It shows up in a lot of ways. It shows up in so many ways and I was that I didn't have that for myself and I think also the worth thing is a big thing too, because it messes with your ability to uphold stable and emotionally fit relationships. And to evolve, space to evolve and grow. So, I don't know, those are the elements to me that self-love are, they're not more actions, they're more of like those specific emotional, I guess, traits to me.
[11:15] Sydney: Absolutely. And I definitely identify with that. And the biggest one for me in my current space in life is the compassion, the self-compassion. And when I think about all the different phases of me thinking I love myself and what that looks like, and I'm not even going to say thinking it was my reality at the time. It was my level of understanding of what self-love was, and I was loving myself to that capacity, but then I unlocked a new experience or a new level or a new understanding of that, and I leveled up my version of self-love. So I think of things like that in like a perspective of levels of awareness of what a definition means. Because something that's very interesting, it's this series on YouTube where people explain a concept to multiple people in life.
[12:16] So for example, there's someone who is like a rocket scientist and he has to explain what he does to a kindergartner. So that's going to be a very simple explanation versus him explaining it to a high schooler versus him explaining it to a college student versus him explaining it to a graduate student versus him explaining it to another rocket scientist. And it's the same topic, but based on your level of understanding, that conversation's going to go way deeper. And I think of emotions and self-awareness and self-acceptance and self-love the same way, especially now in my current life space. It's like, oh my goodness, like self-love looks completely different now versus five years ago versus a year ago. And all those different things that you named, like for me personally, self-love to me look like my self-esteem. Oh, I had self-esteem. So I love myself, but that's all I had and that's all my definition of self-love was until I came to understand, okay self-acceptance.
[13:20] Okay, I accept the skin that I'm in. Okay, so now I have self-esteem and self-acceptance. So this is my new level of self-love versus this new level of self-compassion. Like now I'm okay when I'm not okay. I don't feel like I have to be on all the time. And I love that compassionate part of myself now too. So my self level is different now. So I think of these things as in stages. And so I kind of want to walk through with you what those stages kind of look like from you. Like the Bobbie as a little kid and defining what love, maybe not even self-love, but just like what love meant then versus the Bobbie defining herself outside of family, outside of your dad, outside of your siblings, outside of what people perceived of you. And then the Bobbie defining herself outside of the codependency of feeling like she needs to be in a relationship to the Bobbie of now who's like this standalone strong woman that I so admire, all these different versions of you talk about it. Let's go down the timeline. What did that look like? And what was the work that you did? I know that's a whole lot, that's a mouthful.
[14:51] Bobbie: You want me to talk about what it looked like and then go on, talk about what it looked like and what else.
[14:56] Sydney: Yeah, just what it looked like and the tools that you kind of learned along the way to kind of get you from one stage to the next.
[15:05] Bobbie: Okay. Alright. So I'm going to be very vulnerable. And also I'm going need this because this is basically a journal entry that I'm giving you today. This is definitely something that I needed to say and needed to write and like kind of even thread out for myself. So I would say like for Bobbie as a kid, what did love mean to me? Love was quality time. I think I was very intelligent as a child emotionally. I was very hopeful as a child. I think as children, we have this entitlement, like, yeah, they're just going to show up. Because they're always like your parents, they always like, when you were a baby, they had to. So then you're like, oh yeah, they show up, they're going to be there. Like they're my people. It's very instinctual. And so I think like when I was younger I was just very innocent. And my parents were young parents.
[16:03] My dad, he is an entertainer and he was on tour. My mother, she was a stay-at-home mom and she was young and she didn't have to work, she wanted to also enjoy her life and be with the man that she loved. And she also wanted to have this dynamic home and have everything planned out and organized and ready. And so, I mean, my admiration of what, like even just like beauty was, and love was like, was my parents, was like them goofing around with us and like having movies nights and the moments that my mother actually curated, which I learned later, that was what I felt love. I was like, oh my God, I love these people. These are my people. And being able to just, like Deja used to, whenever I would come home, Deja being my older sister, whenever I would come home, she would like, help me make my snack or we would play restaurant or just little things like that, that was loved to me.
[17:11] And so when those moments had to be ripped away, because, Deja has practice and mom is going after what dad's doing and dad can't show up and then nobody's there and I'm just with my grandma right then that broke my heart. But it also shifted to maybe this like thing, like this solo codependency. I don't even know how that could be possible, but my nana became my best friend because she was always the one that was there when my sisters got a little bit older and they started competing. So either my mom was there or she was trying to be with my dad, and my dad was trying to be who he is on a stage for everybody else. Everybody else knows him as a legend, as a person that created a musical era. I was at home alone.
[18:01] And so love became being with my nana love became drawing my cartoons, love became watching movies. Love became me playing alone and learning. It's so weird because there's such a parallel between how I saw love as a kid and now how I'm able to see love again after so much has happened. But yeah, that's what I thought of as a kid. And I think being ripped away from those things every single time or having certain things ripped away from me every single time, like my heart was broken. And I think when that happened, what I would do was escape to a different type of what that meant, like for it to be better. For it to be fulfilled, for me to be able to get that win that I wanted.
[19:03] So over time, I mean what I thought self-love was really did dilute over and over again. And I believe that when I was younger, I really did have the truth. Like I think that when you're a baby, when you're young and you don't have those limits on you and you dare to believe like, in that, like for me it was the happy family. For me it was the daddy daughter dates. For me it was like my dad being able to be the hero to everyone, but also be able to be that to me. For my mom to understand my weirdness and my quirks and how to deal with my attitude and how to talk to me and how I could learn certain things from them as well. That was what love was for me originally. And I think I had it right. I think at that time I did have it right. You mentioned a second stage departing from my family, which I guess it kind of really blends right into, which I did a lot later in my life.
[20:15] I separated from my mom pretty early on. I was a teenager and she was in a very frustrating place. She started a family with my dad when she was like 18, 19. And then to really not have to like work for that part, that whole part of your life pretty much because my dad was doing well. He as done a lot of amazing stuff in the music world. And then to like a full on divorce where your family is splitting apart. We're moving constantly and you have to figure it out. You have to learn how to like, establish your career in the world. And it's like surprise. And you're already halfway through your thirties and you have four kids. It was heartbreaking for her and it was very frustrating for her. And we butt heads, we really butt heads and it was like I had to go, I was like, I'm butting heads at home. I'm getting bullied at school. Like I was getting bullied so bad that I would just cry all the way to school and like back home from school.
[21:28] I was bullied on the bus, when I was at school, to when I got back on the bus and home. They just didn't really take it seriously at school because obviously it wasn't like affecting my physical health. And so I was in that scenario as well and being bullied online and I mean there was what, MySpace then? I felt like I was living a nightmare, like going back and forth from my mom's and my dad. They don't talk, they hate each other. It was just a bad time in my life. And it made me lose a lot of hope. But I think my hope was renewed when my dad moved to California. And I learned about my love for travel. I went to California and I flew there. It was five hours from Atlanta and I loved the palm trees, I loved the weather. It was just so cool. Everyone looked so cool. And I was like, I want to live here. And so it wasn't the smartest decision because my dad is very laser focused on music a lot.
[22:38] And so he wasn't really able to like watch me as much. And so my sisters kind of took that position and which detached me from my dad even more because I just kind of realized like, okay, like his one focus is his career. I love him very much. We have a very different relationship from what people think of as a typical dad-daughter relationship. But he has taught me so much about building a career and being laser focused and learning how to catch a fish instead of waiting on the fishermen. And so I really loved him for the things that he was able to give me and for what he showed me what sacrifice looked like. But as a child [23:28 inaudible] because of my dad's success and all the things that he was doing. And so it was very hard. And that is when I clinged on to parasitic friendships and new toxic friendships and clinged on to toxic romantic relationships for really long, drawn out periods of time because I didn't love myself.
[23:55] And I was very broken. I was very separated because I'm being separated from what I know as love, which was my family. I'm not experiencing that from my dad. I'm not experiencing that from my mom. I'm having this really painful domesticated, like break with them emotionally. There was physical things, there was mental things, there was a lot of things going on. And I had no outlet or anybody knowledgeable on these types of things to speak to. To speak to my pain and say that it's real. So it's like I look like I'm doing it on the outside. You see my last name, you see that I can put myself together, but I am like broken, wanting to die. Like I did not want to be here. I just endured so much emotional pain that I was like, I didn't really care. I didn't want to hurt anybody, but I just didn't care about being here. I didn't. I wouldn't even call it like, I wanted to unlive myself, but it was just like, I didn't care if I died.
[24:54] I think that's when I stopped fearing death because I was just like, I mean, I don't really know what I'm here for. Like if it happens to happen. I started doing music, which I mean, it was like pouring acid on top of something that was already corroding essentially. I didn't know, even more body dysmorphia than I had growing up. I didn't feel confident in any of the things that I did. My lyrics, the things that I came up with, the person that I was, my voice, I just didn't feel good. It just didn't feel good. And even just like drinking all night in the studio with men, like with multiple men. Like, it's not like I'm doing anything, but I'm recording, but it's like, it's the environment. I'm up until like 3, 4, 5am in the studio with all guys drinking my liver away, smoking my lungs away and making like overtly sexual songs or songs that were about unrealistic relationships or just mindless things.
[26:21] And I was so lost. And in the background I'm building a makeup career. In the background I was an assistant on set. In the background I was doing makeup for different movies and stuff. And in the background I was being a people pleaser of a friend. In the background I was being like leeched on emotionally, physically, romantically. Like all these kinds of things. So I was empty. There was no way that I could, it was like literally no self-love insight.
[27:01] Sydney: Yeah. You were just existing.
[27:03] Bobbie: I was just existing. And it's like talking about it, I'm like it couldn't have gotten any worse, but it did both of the time up until now. And it took me a really long time to weed myself out of the tangles of the whole entire knot that I had built. I threaded like a huge knot of self-hatred. Think of like a big knot in front of you so big, you can't even see your face. You're just holding it up to your face. That's literally what it was like. And it was like, connect. I'm not talking right. I'm not seeing right. My senses are so not in tune.
[27:55] Sydney: So what was your aha moment, your wake up moment where you're like, okay, something's gotta give. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
[28:06] Bobbie: You know what, it's really crazy to say this, but it should be said. I feel like the business that we ended up entering together, I think that did save me and create and being able to help me find value in myself. It helped me to realize that I am worthy of something. It wasn't meant for that, but it was like, okay, there's something here. That's what I could say for myself when I entered that. I was like, okay, there's something here. It wasn't necessarily like what I wanted to get out of it, wasn't what I got out of it. It was like when you finally graduate immaturity and you're in college. You're in the college of maturity. Like I learned, it was like my college of maturity but it was something very much so that I'm really glad that I let go of and parachuted down to like where I am now in my life.
[29:17] But it was definitely necessary. Like I think that that was what, like, if I had continued down the road I was going, I would probably have had some of the things that I wanted on paper. I'd probably be married, I'd probably have kids. We probably wouldn't be having this conversation right now. I wouldn't be where I am in my career and I certainly wouldn't be as mature and valuable of a person. I just wouldn't be the person that I am today. And I think that's why I love her. Like that's why I'm so in love with the person that I am now is because even resilience is not pretty. You actually, overcoming is not the cute part. It's not like, you think that it is because we romanticize. We romatacize it with movies and books and the hero. But getting to the point where you save yourself is not cute. No part of it is cute. It's hard, it's so uncomfortable. And I think that that's why people shy away from it.
I think that's why people put the weights down when it's like starting to, when you're starting to feel that muscle tighten and be like, okay, okay. Like you're supposed to keep going when that part happens. And that's how you break and you hit gold when it's like the toughest is like, once you break through that, it's actually gold. But I had so many points that I was just like, I'm grabbing something. But I would tap and be like, ugh, it didn't come open. I didn't get my apartment. I didn't, you know, do this. I wasn't able to do this for myself. Fine I'm not a diamond. There are no diamonds in there. Like, there's nothing for me.
[31:18] And then when I stop being like, whoa is me, I'm like, ok, pick up the mallet and go for it. Like, just keep going for it. Just keep going. Like, keep going. Like, I know. And the voices get louder as you keep going, but you just keep going. And so I think that was my breakthrough, was being able to get through that point in my life and actually develop discipline and organization. Like a lot of the, the skills, it was like going through the military, or like college, like I said, the skills, that business that we shared together, like taught me were pivotal in my loan success today. Like doing my calendar, doing my budgets, knowing how to write a business plan, knowing how to show a business plan, learning the basic skills, the books, reading books, reading, just reading, you know listening to, listening to podcasts, listening to audios, listening to educational things. Listening to Oprah's Masterclass or John Maxwell. Like things like that. Like it opened.
[32:30] And also learning how to own your own business and like, take it so super seriously and spend money on your business and not be afraid of that and be willing to take the risk in doing that. And had I not had that experience, I don't think that I would know what it means, like, as an entrepreneur to do well, just how to do well. I wouldn't have a blueprint to success. So I'm thankful to God that I had that template to now say like, okay. And measure and be like, okay, wow. Alright. I do see how this did work to my advantage. And I learned how to trust my own instincts when I left. And from family, the ripping apart of getting rid of, not getting rid of, but becoming independent from my family happened while I was in this business because nobody believed in me.
[33:29] Everybody was like, this is a crazy thing. Like, why are you doing this? And they shunned me and they did all this stuff. And I said to myself, well this isn't love to me. Like this isn't somebody that's supportive to me and this isn't someone, I wouldn't want somebody to think that about me if I was saying to them like, hey, I'm starting this new business. I would really love your support. And so like, not having anybody's support and or intuition, validation, acceptance even compassion in a sense and confidence. Them not having that in me. I had to have it in myself, even if I faked it and I was faking it the whole time. I was faking it good. And I faked it the whole time.
[34:14] There was no part within that business that I ever felt content, that my family did not support me, that I ever felt okay because family is a huge thing to me. It means everything to me. I would do anything for my family. I'm sorry, I guess I'm just saying it out in public that that's my Achilles, because I'm like, that is everything to me. And so for me, them not having acceptance for me, support, compassion or treating me kind of like harsh, stiff arming me or like kind of being like I know this, she'll never be successful if it's that. That's what taught me to believe in myself because I had to, I had to fake it. I had to tell myself every day like, you can do this. Not imitating it is not as good as actually having it.
[35:08] And it's not the same as actually having it. So I basically had to learn what that looked like, but imitating it for the time kept me going. It kept me trying to fight for better. The resistance was really high because I don't believe that was my path, but as far as like going, pushing through and like working. But I think that it didn't work for a reason, but it worked. All the things that did work, it worked for a great reason. A great, great reason.
[35:48] Sydney: And so taking everything you learned from our shared business experience for personal human growth and coming out of that, what did settling into you kind of look like? Because I know for me personally, being in that environment, it was very much so in a high, I felt like, I was like, you know how people, the image of people working on Wall Street, everything's like 10. Like, oh my god. Yes. It was like a overload of positivity. It was an overload of personal growth. It was just everybody on this high. And then how you mentioned applying that, coming back into the real world almost, and applying that in real life situations and realizing, okay, wait, I still live on this earth outside of people who don't think like me, outside of people who don't want the same things as I want, outside of all these different things. And then really putting to the test the concepts that we learned because I feel like in that arena, at that time, at least for me, everything was just like a concept, a theory. I didn't have a chance to really apply.Actually know in real world situations,
[37:12] Bobbie: Totally. I think that a lot of the skills that we learn as far as socially don't work with the outside world. I don't know if you've ever seen like one of those videos where a guy is like base jumping from roof to roof and even if it's like a higher roof going to a lower roof and you know that the balls of his feet have to hurt to be able to land and stick your core enough to keep running. That's what it felt like leaving from there to there is that base jump. That jump. I was definitely tired because when I left, I was in a space that my health was in a really bad place. I just kept getting sick. I didn't know why. And it was just terrible. I just kept getting sick. It was like being sick. Like it was like, I was just going down because I was trying to do so much to be able to keep up with my business financially. And it was like, it was getting, the expenses were increasing.
[38:38] And I was like if I didn't have this business expense, how much could I do for myself right now, health-wise? And so I had to start taking like, what I was giving to that and start scaling back so that I could figure out what was going on so that I could take more time off and be able to, so that when I can't get up out of my bed, I got covid actually. I think it was like either right after, I got sick a few times before, but that was the last one though. I was like, okay it was like the last contact. But I was getting sick a lot. It was just like different things, always. It was my asthma, then it was this and then it was that and my allergies. And I was having all of these different health problems and I couldn't like do financial things for myself that made me feel comfortable. And I couldn't do things for myself. I couldn't spend time with my family. I couldn't leave town. I felt so restricted.
[39:53] I think just being on your back, and I know that you can relate to this more than I can, but being on your back, you got a lot to think about because the shows, the TV's only going to keep you so much company. The computer's only going to keep you so much company. You're going to get bored from the bed. You're going to get sick of answering the phone. You're going to get sick of texting people. You're going to get sick of just, you're going to be like everything out. And then you're just on your back. So you're going to get tired of sleeping and eating, all of it. And I think that's when the self-love had to start because it was like, I think it was like a point. One time I was sick. I know I was still in this business for sure because it was the last straw. I couldn't go to something. And I was like, I'm not going to make it. I was on my floor crying.
[40:50] I was in pain. I didn't know what was going on. I was in so much pain and I was crying and physical pain, not mental pain. And I was crying and I was like, if I'm going to die, I'm just going to die because what am I here for? And I was like, kind of yelling to God. There was a lot other stuff going on in my life. And I was just like, what am I here for? I don't feel like I'm doing anything. So I was yelling and yelling and yelling and then I just cried. And I'm not going to lie, I smoked a joint and then I was just like.
[41:30] Sydney: Sometimes you have to.
[41:32] Bobbie: I felt relief. And I started watching this show and it was a cool show. It was like a ensemble cast and it was a black cast and it was like a new show. And it was just like all of these different friends going through different things in their life and how they supported each other. And I was like, I really want that. I really want to experience that. Because in the environment that we were in, we didn't really get to experience a closeness of somebody that was going on a similar journey, but maybe going through other things. We didn't get to know what our peer business peers were really going through. It was all a show kind of to me. And so I cried, I laughed. I was like, oh my gosh. Like, I want this in my life. And it's something that I think just said. And I think it was also probably my mentor at the time that stepped into my life or my life coach that stepped into my life and she was just kind of like, she was very tough loving.
[42:47] She was like, why are you sick? And I thought that that was the most frustrating question. I was so pissed because I'm like, I can't know my body. And she's like, what are you thinking about? What are you talking about? Who are you around? Who are you sleeping with? Like, all this kind of stuff, right? She asked me questions. What are you eating? How much are you sleeping? Are you drinking water? She just let me answer them. And she said, okay, so how do you think disease gets into your body? And she said, so without you having the awareness of all these things that I just named to you on deck. And you actually taking care of those things, how do you think that any type of disease can get into your body? Because there are a lot of gateways. All those things that she named. It was about 10 things. Those are all gateways. And she was like, okay. And I think in that moment, I decided that I was like, I need to start from this ground zero.
[44:06] The floor that I'm crying on is ground zero. Like, I need to start from there. I had to start from there. So now when I feel my lowest, when I have nobody to call and I have people to call, but I just didn't have the relationship that I wanted with myself and the relationships that I wanted in my life to be able to motivate me, to be willing to do that and call other people. And that's when I needed God. I needed all hands on deck. I think that God really came to my rescue in that moment and provided me with my life coach that came to me very organically. She had a relationship with a family member of mine. And I was able to leverage that and just call her and talk to her. And she was like, she kind of just kind of took me under her wing over time.
[45:02] Such a beautiful thing because she's light years ahead of me. She has the life that I want. I don't think that I would've been able to seek that if I hadn't been a part of this business. So it was a base jump, but I landed on a good foundation for myself by having her support, by having a therapist. I didn't have anybody else, but I had those two people. I ended up having to have a tutor that came into my life that had to train me to learn for this exam that I had to pass in that time as well. And as all these things are happening, like mentally, physically, spiritually, I'm being pushed away from this business. I'm being pushed away. It's not even like me quitting and making it some formal declaration because I never would have.
[45:53] It was literally my body, my mind, my environment pushed me. I'll say [46:00 inaudible]. I don't think I ever would've left if not, I literally honestly don't. And so my tutor, the element that he brought into my life was focused and discipline, I was going through something with a friend actually of betrayal. And I was mentally really messed up because it was a serious thing. It was like a romantic betrayal. And it was kind of weird, guys. I don't want to go too far into it, but it was so deep for me. It was so good that he came into my life because he made all those things not matter. Like all those things had to disappear when he's trying to input vocabulary and numbers and stuff in it, like implement it into me and implement this trainer, this test taker.
[47:02] I felt like I was taking the [47:03 inaudible]. I had no brain space. He was like, whatever it is, it's gotta go. Like you need to focus on this so you can pass so you don't get fired. I was working a corporate job while I'm still trying to do makeup. And music fell to the wayside by the way I didn't mention that because we kind of got on a different topic, but yeah I had to like mentally focus myself. And so he brought that into my life. And I never really had a man, a black man in my world to tell me that. My dad didn't get to explain to me focus. My parents were very like metaphoric with their actions right there. All the things that they displayed to us were things that they really wanted us to be able to be in our adulthoods in some way, which my dad is very disciplined and focused when it comes to his career, and I never understood that.
[48:00] But I understood a lot of the other creative parts of him. And waking up at noon or just certain things or needing space or like certain things that he would do but I never really understood that. So he kind of was able to teach me discipline and focus for myself in order to get the victory that I wanted and also let me know that I was capable. And also let me know that I was capable of keeping a relationship with someone and we could reach a common goal or a vision together. And he's light years ahead of me. He's like in his fifties. So it was really cool to have that experience. On the other hand, I had a black male therapist and I picked that because again, like not having certain experiences from my father, I wanted to experience having a black male figure share certain things with me or help me and teach me emotionally how to carry myself.
[48:54] And so he helped me understand that, like, obviously that's why we're sitting here talking today about my journey of self-love is because of him teaching me the pillars of self-love and the pillars of relationships, the pillars of even your worthiness and being able to cultivate that in your life. And knowing what co-dependency is, knowing how to handle and manage and recover from different addictions in your life and different cycles that you might fall into. He taught me so much about life and something that I had never had. And then having my life coach, there's a lot of things that are hard. I would say that would be hard for me to say to my daughter as a mother. And so having that person, I could say all those things to me. And we can fight and we can disagree. And we can come back together and I know that she's one of the smartest human beings, one of the most incredible human beings out that I'll ever know. Having a team or really good people like that to start out with as a foundation. It was hard. It's like a training karate kid. It definitely created a different person and created a pivot. And I think everybody as seen that pivot.
[50:25] Sydney: Yeah. And so all of that, that last phase from like jumping out of the business into that new era of life, what it sounds like to me was the catapult for that, before you even gravitated towards these new people or these people gravitating towards you. You had that self-awareness to be like, okay, something's not right. Something's got to give. And that's another level of that self-love. Because for so long we operate because I was the same way. I was operating in a space where I was just like, okay, all this sounds great. This logically makes sense. I was in a logical place in my life, not in a feeling place in my life, not listening to my body. And all of those different things. All my decisions were based through a logic filter.
[51:26] And self-awareness went to the wayside. It was just like, well, self-awareness does not always equate to logic. But sometimes the self-awareness needs to supersede logic. What you're feeling in your body needs to supersede what logically may make sense in your mind in order for you to ascend to the next level. And if you don't, that sickness can take over. Hence my autoimmune disease, like all that happened around the same time of you getting sick, around the same time of both of us exiting that business. And it's crazy because for me it was the same way. If my body didn't say no, I probably, my logical mind wouldn't have said no, it's time to go. Because logic took over. I was operating out of logic. But until I allowed myself to really succumb to the self-awareness and listen to the soul, because my soul the whole time was saying, something's not right. Something's not right in the decisions you're making. My soul wasn't happy, I was listening to my brain, not my soul. And I was just like, this temporary uncomfortability will get to the other side and then my logic and my soul will meet and everything will be kumbaya.
[52:51] Bobbie: And you'll live happy ever after.
[52:53] Sydney: Exactly. But sometimes that doesn't happen. And it's okay to listen to the soul over listening to logic. And that is, for me, the biggest step in my personal self-love journey. And it sounds like in your personal self-love journey, it was the big pivotal moment for you to grow into the person, the woman that you are today. And if there was one thing you can tell young Bobbie, the Bobbie who only knew the family version of love, what would you tell her?
[53:32] Bobbie: I would tell her, you'll get there. Like you're going to get there. It's all going to happen. I think I'm still telling her that. You'll get there. It's all going to happen. Because it will, and it's going to happen better than you think it will. It's going to happen at a better time, in a better place. And the moment that you become content with where you are is when God's like, alright, come on. It's time to come up to this new level. Like, come on. And so I learned how to find contentment and gratitude anywhere that I am and say, okay, God, if this is where you want me. And I've been in some crazy places where I'm like, okay, I'm on food stamps. I can't pay my rent. I can't do this, I can't do that. And I just really had to be like, okay, God, if this is where you want me, like this is what it's going to have to be and I don't want to have to think about what's next.
[54:26] I know that you'll think about what's next and I would create a safety in the back of my mind if I had to, like a little safety plan B. Like, okay, something really does happen to me, whatever. But ultimately I had to surrender and trust and just be like, okay, if this is your will, like it's going to have to be done. It's going to be done, it's going to have to be done. And in that very instant, like literally next moment I wake up the next day and he's like, girl, I just wanted to see, I wanted to make sure that you understood that it's not coming from you. That it's always going to come from me. And you do, so good, here, next level.
[55:16] Sydney: So now, in the Bobbie stage that you're in now, how is your soul feeling?
[55:31] Bobbie: My soul is embarking on a different territory. It's looking at the person or even talking about the person that I was, it feels so foreign from who I am now. In a good way, in some of the best ways. And I think that right now I am very much a new butterfly out of the cocoon. Like when a butterfly first comes out of a cocoon, I'm pretty sure it's like, even though I heard it hurts, I don't know if it really does hurt. They're like, okay, well that was really comfortable for me and I was okay with that. And I got real content there. I got real cozy and now I have to learn about this new world and what if I land on someone's palm? You know what I mean? Or like, what if something bad happens to me, what am I going to do?
[56:38] So I think it's like that uncomfortability of not knowing, like you're in the unknown territory, not knowing unknown territory, but it's like you're not going to know, you've never been here. And then also just fighting through, having to really affirm myself about where I am at, that I belong, that I belong and that I deserve to take up space.
[57:04] Sydney: Yeah. I love that. I love that. Well, thank you so much for sharing with us. It's been very insightful for myself personally, but I'm sure for everybody listening. Everybody's self-love journey looks different, but there are a lot of parallels and it reminds us that we are more alike than we are different. And that self-love is a journey. It's not a final destination and it takes time and it looks different. And there's always going to be a new level to ascend to and understanding and implementing and embodying and accepting. And we're all just along for the ride, right?
[57:43] Bobbie: Yeah we are all just.
[57:48] Sydney: So until next time, this has been episode three of How is Your Soul with Bobby Riley talking all about our journey to self love. See you soon.